Gone
by MorgieSan
Summary: Rated T for minor cursing. This story is... I don't know. It's sad. It made Cassie cry. It made me sad. It's... I won't hate anyone for not reading it. Established Caskett, future!fic, lots of tears about losses. No character death.


Disclaimer: Not my characters.

Notes: So, I don't even know how to explain this. It just kind of happened, and it's just... I don't know. I'm not even sure if _I_ like it. So, if you hate it, I understand. Completely.

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><p>"Alexis? Sweetie, what's wrong?" Kate stood in the doorway staring at the sobbing redhead.<p>

The word gone was the only thing Alexis could choke out, and before the next round of grief could wash over her she found herself wrapped in her stepmother's arms. She shed enough tears standing there in the hallway that Kate was sure the girl would dehydrate herself.

"Come on, Lex," she urged gently, pulling the girl in as she spoke. She led her into the kitchen and fixed her a glass of water. "Drink some," she ordered.

With shaking hands Alexis picked up the glass, and did her best to capture the straw. She finally caught it when Kate's hands covered her own and steadied the glass. She took several big drinks before lowering the glass again.

"Now," Kate began as she tipped the girl's face up and rubbed at the streams of tears with her thumbs, "what happened?"

"Gone," Alexis whispered quietly. She placed the glass on the counter and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. "Gone," she repeated.

"Oh, Lex..." Kate hugged her close and then guided her over to the couch. "Sit here, I'll be right back." After Alexis was seated she ran back into the kitchen for provisions. She filled a pitcher to the brim with water, grabbed the half empty glass Alexis had been using, and enough chocolate to bring down an elephant. Halfway back she returned to the kitchen and grabbed another empty glass.

Alexis had pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and curled herself up into a little ball under it. She was staring blankly at the black TV screen ahead of her. Her only acknowledgement of Kate's return had been the subtle shift she'd made on the couch to make more room for sitting.

Kate unloaded her quarry and sat down next to Alexis. She wrapped her arms around her once again, and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Her own tears welled over and she buried her face in Alexis' hair. "I'm so sorry, Lex," she murmured as she rocked them both.

After half an hour Alexis gave up on her struggle to stay upright and dropped her head down to Kate's lap. She'd run out of her own tears and was just sniffling at the TV. Her breathing evened out as Kate ran her fingers through her hair. Another fifteen minutes of silence passed before Alexis spoke. "I know I screwed up, but I was ready to take responsibility. I was actually looking forward to it, and now..."

Kate just stroked her hair and listened.

"I'm so jealous of Robert and Elizabeth. They get you every day. Not three weeks a year. I was ready to be everything my mom isn't, and now I don't get the chance," Alexis broke down into a fresh set of sobs.

"You'll get another chance, Alexis. God knows I'd kill for one, but you'll get another chance," Kate's voice drifted off into a whisper as she recalled the hell they'd gone through just to have the twins. False test after false test after false test lead them to months of shots and visits to doctors and then the long weeks after the implantation. They got doubly lucky. Two of the embryos had attached.

Alexis cried even harder when she realized what she'd said. "Oh, that was so selfish of me. Me and my stupid mouth." She pulled herself back upright and pulled Kate into a hug.

"It's okay, Alexis. They were worth all of it." She pushed Alexis back and locked eyes with her. "What happened?"

"I went to the appointment, and he told me that sometimes it just happens. You know? Sometimes..."

Alexis turned away and reached for her water glass. She topped it off and sat back against the couch with it.

"Sometimes, shit happens," Kate supplied breaking into the chocolate.

"Exactly," Alexis replied letting her eyes slide shut. "Is it always going to hurt like this?"

"I don't know, Alexis. I honestly don't." She tossed the rest of the chocolate bar towards Alexis, and continued, "After my mom died it was awful, for years. One day it started hurting less, but I can't pinpoint that day. Not that these things are even remotely comparable."

"No, I guess not. You had your mom for nineteen years, I was pregnant for... what? Two whole months?" Alexis laughed a mirthless laugh. "I think you win."

"Hey, we're not comparing scars here," Kate shot back defensively. "No way in hell. We each have a different kind of hurt to carry around for the rest of our lives. And _that,_ certainly isn't the way to deal with it. No. I lost my mother. You lost your child. I got to know her. You have to live with the fact that you will never know. I hurt because I remember. You hurt because you won't ever have those memories. You can't compare those two things, and expect to find a winner. No one will ever win there. So don't... don't do that."

"Sorry, Kate." Alexis dropped her head onto Kate's shoulder. "I feel numb. No... that's not right," she sighed, "I feel so many things. Too many things."

"I know the feeling."

"I know you do... It's not fair."

"What isn't?" Kate asked trying to figure which one of their many stopping places in this conversation she was referring to.

"All of it. You shouldn't have had to lose your mother. You shouldn't have... I miss one pill and wham. You and Dad try for two years straight and nothing. I finally accept what happened and it's gone. No one should have to deal with this kind of shit."

"Tell me about it."

"Where's Dad?"

"He took the twins to the park to let them work off all of their excess energy. They were driving me up the wall."

"What do you mean?" Alexis wrinkled her brow.

"They wanted to play and I can't... We're trying again."

"Right..." Alexis nodded, remembering how Kate had been forced to sit around and basically do nothing for two days straight per the doctor's orders. "I hope it works again. You and dad deserve it."

Kate gave her a genuine smile. "Thanks."

Alexis turned on the TV just for the background noise. She found an old movie and watched it for a while. "I feel better now... Thank you."

"You're welcome, Lex." Kate gave her a side hug. "Anytime you want to talk about it I'll be here. The pain is a lot easier to deal with when you aren't dealing alone."

"Thanks," Alexis whispered. She settled back in to the movie, and let her brain turn off. She needed to stop thinking about it.


End file.
